Have you ever recalled the memories of you falling in love for the first time? Have you ever tried to figure out what causes you to have that feeling? Have you ever wondered how did it all first begin?
“Well… I’ve been doing fine… You?”
I don't know if that could be described as my first love, but I am assured that is my first heartache. Probably I can describe it as my first and unrequited love. It wasn't something that I experienced at the first sight, but I could tell that it came out of the blue. His existence was there ever since I don't remember when, but it only became noticeable to me when I had a sympathy for him. I don't know myself if that really is love but I do remember the days I went through thinking and worrying about him. What about you? How did you experience your first love?
I have a confession to make. I admit that I sometimes do miss that moment. The moment when I would be hoping to bump into him anywhere anytime. The moment when he walked into the classroom as the class prefect. The moment when we had the marching practice together. The moment when we had sports team meeting - though I'm useless in that field. The moment when our sport team had an outdoor camping together. The moment when I would be in charge for the library in the evening and he would be sitting in his friend's classroom just so that we could be opposite to each other. And out of all those moments, I miss the moment when I could hear his Quran recital in the Musolla and his prayer. His voice that attracts me the most. I also miss the time when I would be saying his name sincerely in my prayer. What is your favourite moment of you and your first love?
If I could turn back the time, I would choose to just keep admiring him from far. I would restrained myself from sending the letter that later introduced us to each other. Probably that way, the pain won't be this unbearable. Or even if I we do know each other, I wish he has not had a change of heart. I wish he could wait for me for the time I told him to. I wish he would be feeling the same as I do. Or better, I wish I had not seen him in pain so that I wouldn't have the sympathy I had which developed into feelings later on. But maybe Allah has better plan for me. Maybe there are silver linings for all that have happened. How about you? What do you think you would do to your first love when you could turn back the time?
“For all this time, I didn’t want to become weak
So I lived as I avoided traces of you but
Now I’m all okay
Well… I guess I’ll forget you little by little… I’ll be okay”
Even though I can't see him anymore, I often get excited when he appeared in my dream. Because in the dream, both of us are so close to each other, different from the reality. And I told myself, that it would be okay to just see him in my dream. Funny to think that after how many years we both parted ways, I do still remember him. Well, may be it's not funny but rather sad to me.
"It’s okay if I face you in my memories
It’s okay if I see myself being like a fool
It’s okay if I keep the memories of you
It’s okay...it’s okay...it’s okay"
To the person whom I meant to say this, I was so happy when you realised how many years we've been knowing each other. Out of that 9 years, only 4 years we were really close to each other. We fought, we made up, we got angry at each other, we laughed, we cried (If you did cry) and we sulked. But I guess our situation can't be helped as there is a saying that goes "first love will never work".
"9 tahun knal...
5 tu.. hahhhaha..buat kpala masing2"
5 years have passed since then and I still couldn't forget you completely. How about you? Have you erased me completely from your memory? If yes, I will try my best for the coming 5 years to forget you.
I pray that you are doing well without me. I pray that you would fine someone better than me, who truly deserves you. I pray that happiness and well-being be yours in this world and hereafter. Thank you for the love you taught me and I am really sorry to be someone who is lacking so much. Just go and carry on with your life because my prayer will always be with you.
To me, it was the one and only
It was dazzling and precious
Love has now ended but
Again at this place
“Goodbye… go on… go…
That day one year ago, when I so easily let you go
That foolish me is still here…”
P/S: I was listening to So Ji Sub & Bobby Kim's "The Day A Year Ago" while studying and felt an urge to write about my confession in this blog.
